"It's very easy to turn a toy into an adult toy; Location, Location, Location."
"When you have a fat friend, there are no see-saws, only catapults."
"A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive. 'Dude, make a left.' 'Those are trees..' 'Trust me.'"
"A quick way to start a conversation is to say something like, 'What's your favorite colour?' A quick way to end a conversation is to say something like, 'What's your favorite colour... person?"
"I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone'."
"The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades."
I love Demetri Martin.