"It's very easy to turn a toy into an adult toy; Location, Location, Location."

"When you have a fat friend, there are no see-saws, only catapults."

"A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive. 'Dude, make a left.' 'Those are trees..' 'Trust me.'"

"A quick way to start a conversation is to say something like, 'What's your favorite colour?' A quick way to end a conversation is to say something like, 'What's your favorite colour... person?"

"I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone'."

"The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades."

I love Demetri Martin.